Updated: November 13, 2011, 6:48 AM
Dear Miss Manners: Since the early ’80s, our family has celebrated the holidays at our parents’ home on the family farm. We each take turns in planning the event.
Is it proper to change locations to another home in the same town?My mom is still living and is in her late 80s. I feel bad for what Mom must think. Please advise.
Gentle Reader:
Well, what DOES your mother think? Are you sure it is not, “Thank goodness, someone is finally taking this over”?
Miss Manners’ advice is to ask her, without being so naive as to think that this can be done in a straightforward way and that the answer will be frank. She is trusting that you know your mother well enough to pay attention to the subtext.
Thus you do not say, “Alisa and Ryan want to have Thanksgiving at their house—OK?” and accept, “Fine; do whatever you like” as her blessing.
Rather, you say something like, “We’ve always had wonderful Thanksgivings on the farm, but would you enjoy, for a change, going out and seeing one of us try to live up to your tradition?”
If she replies, “It doesn’t matter —whatever you children decide,” you should talk strongly to the others about continuing to have it at the farm. But if she brightens and says, “Why, that sounds like fun,” it is time to move on.
Rude outburst
Dear Miss Manners: I am a below-elbow amputee on my left side. When I go out in public, children often notice my disability because it is at their eye level. Many children are curious, and many ask questions, and on rare occasions I will encounter a child whose curiosity is ill-mannered.
I take all these in stride and generally with good humor. However, the other day at the grocery store, a child of about 8 caused quite a scene, yelling, “Oh my God! She has no arm!” and pointing at me. She then began sobbing and crying and carrying on, saying that I was scaring her.
Her mother quickly finished bagging her groceries and exited the store, covering the girl’s eyes as they passed by me, but everyone around was left staring at me in a very awkward moment, which upset my own 10-year-old daughter.
I looked up and said, “Gee, I’m sorry. I guess I should have combed my hair this morning. I didn’t realize I was looking such a fright.” That broke the tension, but in realityIwas horrified and embarrassed to have been the cause of such a public scene.
Other times, I have just fled the scene as quickly as possible, with a quiet apology to the people in the general area, but I am never quite sure how to handle these situations.
Things like this don’t happen often, but when they do, they feel rather ugly, and I am always left feeling that I handled things quite inadequately.
Gentle Reader: First of all, you did not cause this scene. One cause of the child’s dreadful outburst is the parental failure to teach basic public manners, as evidenced by the mother’s own act of shielding her child and running instead of apologizing and explaining why to the child, for all to hear.
Another cause is that society tends to hide any irregularities, so that the not-uncommon case of an amputee seems shocking.
Second, Miss Manners cannot imagine how you could have handled it better. Your answer was witty and effective in providing perspective and defusing embarrassment. It should have made your 10-year-old daughter proud.
Source: http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/miss-manners/article631260.ece
Movers La Canada Flintridge
Movers Escondido
Movers Coral Springs
Movers Rio Vista
Is it proper to change locations to another home in the same town?My mom is still living and is in her late 80s. I feel bad for what Mom must think. Please advise.
Gentle Reader:
Well, what DOES your mother think? Are you sure it is not, “Thank goodness, someone is finally taking this over”?
Miss Manners’ advice is to ask her, without being so naive as to think that this can be done in a straightforward way and that the answer will be frank. She is trusting that you know your mother well enough to pay attention to the subtext.
Thus you do not say, “Alisa and Ryan want to have Thanksgiving at their house—OK?” and accept, “Fine; do whatever you like” as her blessing.
Rather, you say something like, “We’ve always had wonderful Thanksgivings on the farm, but would you enjoy, for a change, going out and seeing one of us try to live up to your tradition?”
If she replies, “It doesn’t matter —whatever you children decide,” you should talk strongly to the others about continuing to have it at the farm. But if she brightens and says, “Why, that sounds like fun,” it is time to move on.
Rude outburst
Dear Miss Manners: I am a below-elbow amputee on my left side. When I go out in public, children often notice my disability because it is at their eye level. Many children are curious, and many ask questions, and on rare occasions I will encounter a child whose curiosity is ill-mannered.
I take all these in stride and generally with good humor. However, the other day at the grocery store, a child of about 8 caused quite a scene, yelling, “Oh my God! She has no arm!” and pointing at me. She then began sobbing and crying and carrying on, saying that I was scaring her.
Her mother quickly finished bagging her groceries and exited the store, covering the girl’s eyes as they passed by me, but everyone around was left staring at me in a very awkward moment, which upset my own 10-year-old daughter.
I looked up and said, “Gee, I’m sorry. I guess I should have combed my hair this morning. I didn’t realize I was looking such a fright.” That broke the tension, but in realityIwas horrified and embarrassed to have been the cause of such a public scene.
Other times, I have just fled the scene as quickly as possible, with a quiet apology to the people in the general area, but I am never quite sure how to handle these situations.
Things like this don’t happen often, but when they do, they feel rather ugly, and I am always left feeling that I handled things quite inadequately.
Gentle Reader: First of all, you did not cause this scene. One cause of the child’s dreadful outburst is the parental failure to teach basic public manners, as evidenced by the mother’s own act of shielding her child and running instead of apologizing and explaining why to the child, for all to hear.
Another cause is that society tends to hide any irregularities, so that the not-uncommon case of an amputee seems shocking.
Second, Miss Manners cannot imagine how you could have handled it better. Your answer was witty and effective in providing perspective and defusing embarrassment. It should have made your 10-year-old daughter proud.
Source: http://www.buffalonews.com/life/columns-advice/miss-manners/article631260.ece
Movers La Canada Flintridge
Movers Escondido
Movers Coral Springs
Movers Rio Vista
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